"It's always the last place you look!"
No kidding, Dad. Once I've found it, whatever "it" happens to be, why on earth would I keep looking for it? Of course, that's not what the saying means; that's what it says, though. In all honesty, I would have happily drifted through life never questioning that "it's always the last place you look" means "it's always the last place you think to look," with no need for clarification, if my mother hadn't pointed it out to me.
Evidently, her own dad really wound her up with this sometime in her seventh year of life or thereabouts. Winding her up is pretty easy - we're talking about a woman whose capacity for indignation extends to the laws of physics. The sources of her indignation, however, usually make sense, even if they're nothing that any human being anywhere can do a damn thing to change.
This, unfortunately, is one of them. Words exist to communicate. They ought to make sense, dagnabbit! So now I can't hear "it's always the last place you look!" without my inner seven-year-old glaring daggers at this wanton illogic. Some people's inner child revels in wonder at the world, or, if they're a psychopath, in pulling legs off flies. Mine works himself into a tizzy over linguistic peculiarity. If the little dude's not careful, his face is gonna freeze like that.
"Your face is gonna freeze like that" is one I never had a problem with. I guess I realized early on that "freeze" had more meanings than "become too cold to move." "Keep it down to a dull roar," on the other hand, bugged me to no end - we're kids, for heaven's sake! We've got squeaky little voices! We can't roar!
Then there's the ones I screw up regularly. Why, I don't know. Idioms, as anyone who's ever learned another language can tell you, exist to trip up anyone learning said language, but I'm a native English speaker. This doesn't mean I can say...whatever the phrase is involving feeling warm and fuzzy without accidentally implicating something disturbing. "Now I'm all full of warm and fuzzies!" does not belong on the list of things my mother ever wanted to hear me say, given her literal bent and vivid imagination. Yes, Mum. Squirmy, hairy little animals have replaced my organs.
At this point, the ones that usually result in me bursting out laughing tend to be the soppy and inspirational sort that wind up on signs on elderly ladies' porches. Perhaps my favourite is "All things grow with love." It's illustrated with hearts and a sunflower. Not being an elderly lady, I find that those words conjure a....rather different image. Similarly, "People are like gardens - they grow with love!" immediately rearranged itself to "People are like gardens - if you're not careful, deer will eat them!"
Then there are the old standbys, such as "Always shoot for the moon. That way, if you miss, you'll land among the stars!" Sure you'll land among the stars, whereupon you'll suffocate in the vast and desolate vacuum of space. Welcome to your future, sweetcheeks!
And "There's always more fish in the sea." Although meant as a reassurance, it perturbs me slightly. Yeah, there's more fish in the sea, but shouldn't you be more concerned about your desire to pursue intimate relations with marine wildlife!? Sheesh, people. Get your priorities straight.
Don't even get me started on "getting on like a house afire." Really. Don't. I'll go on for hours.
No comments:
Post a Comment